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Growing up, I planned what my path to success would look like. I was determined to go to a historically black college outside out of my hometown of New York City. Since I chose to pursue two careers to ensure that I would never be broke, I got two master’s degrees. Now that I am settled into my all-work-no play adulthood with over $300,000 in student loan debt I wonder, was I too ambitious?
When I hear the word ambitious, I envision someone who chases their dreams no matter what. I was determined to chase every dream I had and no one could stop me. Although my mother and late father didn’t understand my plan, they knew I would be crushed if they didn’t let me go on my journey. They put their skepticism aside and low and behold I made them proud. It was hard, but my college career was fun. Throughout those eight years of school all I fantasized about was the big salary I would have and the condo I would purchase. I knew I had student loan debt, but I figured I was setting myself up to be able to make adequate payments and still live “the good life.” I thought my ambition would place me far away from failure and right next to the American dream. I was wrong. Very wrong.
I work seven days a week and I am an active and financial member of my sorority, so I basically don’t have a weekend. I can’t buy a house because the $1200 I would save for my house or pay my mortgage with is snatched by Navient, Discover and other loan providers. Plus I am stuck with that good ole New York City rent. If this is success it doesn’t feel like it. I thought being ambitious was the liaison between going from rags to riches. Though I am not in rags, I’m a burned-out mess. It seems like my determination led to me working to pay bills. I began to wonder why I am not where I planned to be. I was at a point where I felt like I did something wrong. Like I took the wrong steps or didn’t talk to the right people. It made me question if being ambitious (or as some would say, an overachiever) hurt me more than it helped.
Did I go too hard? Did I set myself up for burnout? Was my ambition fueled by my fear of being homeless and broke? Or was is it fueled by my confidence? Was that ambition at all?
As I wallowed in despair and questioned all my decisions, I had to realize that I am not trapped. I still have the ambition that helped me attain my three college degrees and two jobs and I need to tap into it. Having ambition gives me the power and creativity to change my narrative. I don’t have to clock in and out. Honestly, I don’t have to apply to jobs because I have the credentials to create my own job. I now understand that you can’t succeed off of ambition alone. Patience has to be coupled with my ambition, along with flexibility and strategy. I used all those skills while in college, but because I am now adulting with bills and responsibilities my patience and willingness to be flexible has ran thin.
I will never be able to answer if I was too ambitious. Is there even such a thing? I will say that I was goal-driven. I mistakenly thought that I could be on cruise control once I secured employment. I mean, once you’re done with college the hard part is over right? Wrong. I became angry with my ambitious spirit and I see that I lost touch with it. Instead of scolding my young ambitious inner-self for the decisions she made, I need her to guide me. In the words of the late, great Nipsey Hussle, the marathon continues and I know now that I need my ambition to lead the way.